i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize