if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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