there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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