have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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