sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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