she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
