if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
