When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
