My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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