i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
