Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well I just put wine in my tea
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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