oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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