I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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