I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
