My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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