hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
