She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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