K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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