drinking out of a sandbucket again
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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