if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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