i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We are two peas in an std pod
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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