My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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