Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
