I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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