turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
