The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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