Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
