When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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