I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize