Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
