She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
