totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
