I intend to get homeless drunk
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
