I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize