I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
