They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
