Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
