Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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