i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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