three words: i give head
three words: not that well
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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