I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
