I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
