ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
