I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize