My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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