If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
