It's a beautiful day for a hangover
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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