Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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