apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize