Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
