The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
