This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
