why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
