I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
