hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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