my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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