Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i've created a new STD.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
