oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
