my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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