You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
