Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
